I guess one must never ask for more than is offered- not out of a sense of virtu, but because if one does, one loses what one has! My greed and selfishness got the better of me... in wanting more and reaching out... I lost the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced- your cherished smile, your compassion, your innocence, warmth and your willingness to comfort me, so subtle and yet so noticeable-
I never wanted to hurt you... it seems somehow in my ignorance, I have caused you immense pain that you seemed not to be in a position to share with me we we spoke through the darkest moment of night into the brightest moment of the day...
Honestly speaking... I never did think that the day would come when we'd part with so much anger, and...
No more.
I deluded myself into thinking that our coming together was beyond logic... because we carved it out of mundane business of living- because we stole it from reality... because it was simply too sublime to even grasp for both the worlds around us, and our own conscience. We continued to outlive the destined time of awareness, of life or feelings, emotions and everything else that came in between.
Then I realized it needs no logic. It needs no endorsement. It is.
Yes, it IS... and that's all that it needs to be.
I sit here past dawn today and think back on how we shared... as I begin to write now I find that the pain is duller now though the loss is as heightened as ever... my mind is wandering, it keeps taking me towards the times that we have not been able to share... but could have...
God... how life swirls...
What to say has never been a problem for me, except...'how to start'... again, has left me grasping for words at this most unexpected moment and it seems that the same moment for me has conveniently arrived and parked itself in my mind right now... of all... at the least time I expected it...
When I say, I think not... but feel... and feel so intensely that words seem only to have a miniscule expression of my entire spectrum that is built around my inner eloquence... and yet right now... it all seems as if the world has come to a sudden stop.
The power of your absence can be greater than the power of your presence at times...
Ah the power of your absence! that meaningful composure... that pause grasping for change of subject- all make me miss what we shared until it all fell apart...
I find it ironic in the least situation hat I had expected- Life has occurred to its 'Z'enith! What else is it... if not its magnificence when, events crop up out of turn... serene landscapes get blotted with ink blobs that deface its composition...
The dreaded does not whiter- but appear...
... sooner or later I suppose.
So it has arrived for me as well.
I must write to you.
So how should I begin? did I not admit, I have trouble starting? Tell me how should I begin? What should I wrote to make it seem a start?...
How, please tell me... I am supposed to manifest eloquently when I find words fail me no matter how hard I try? Should I just go with the flow?
I reckon not!... considering the fact that I tend to give away a lot... perhaps at times, even more than I'd myself want to...
More than that, my expression have often seem to burden your thoughts, and left you much perplexed and at the whims and mercy of your responses and comfort.
I respect what you had to say that eventful night. I am glad in a way that you are comfortable...
Glad that you could say it to me... I have not looked you up since. No I haven't.
My urge has almost betrayed my self-control to try and find you... all over again! But you are lost- for me...
I don't know if I am to cry or laugh- continue to be who I am or find peace in the hereafter- should I continue to pretend you are there, and each milestone that I cross, you'd be smiling?
But you remain- in many ways that you'd ever understand.
I keep coming back to how it all ended! Had it not been for my overwhelming love for you- my nature to keep you all to myself... this could not have caused this much disappointment to you, and pain to me!
I don't know how it would have turned out to be... had we talked it out- not that I feel at a loss now but how incapable I was to stay course, being on your side.
I felt redundant. A didactic feeling- I am sorry that I could not do anything to ease your agony- for I will never have a chance again to tell you this-
These lines... will stay as my letters to you... unread- unmarked- unremembered!
I go back a few paces more... the day I gave you my expression- and why? In life... it is the luck of the draw, who you meet and when... and how much you have left to give... and the point at which you halt- and say, 'lets leave everything... this is where I go'...
... and decide that you will let your heart lead the way- to choose your emotions as your apostle and emotions to become your guiding light...
Maybe it was the way you looked at me that first time- or maybe how I saw you that first instant...
... as if you were a precious gift I had been given... as if there had been no others before you and would be none after- Past I could not change- future rested in my realm...
Many years later, sitting with my solitude... I am convinced you must've noticed my vibes... and soon after, you started to see in me... your own, 'somethings' that I fail to understand to this day...
But you did make me come to terms with my own reality... you put me in touch with my inner feelings- my desolate self... who, until that day hibernated... since long ago.... unmoved... and unnoticed.
In the end of everything, we forgive selfishness... desire... guile...
We forgive all as long as we are the motive for it.
I did all that and more... I am now left to wonder what I to do when I do not have you anymore... should I go on anticipating that time will comfort your absence? It hasn't up until now... or should I let it all be...
Will your absence be comforted by time you think? sooner or later?
Why am I left to answer all that rage my senses... alone!
Would life go on playing its role?
Why do I sense that my eyes will always show sadness and a profound loss and at the same time a certain wisdom... the wisdom to know that I have had- even if for a short time, what others sought... and as eternity is reckoned... I have shared wonderful moments with her...
With you.
Yes you... the 'her' in all my writings...
I am the same man with my small uneventful eyes... and you remain my woman with mesmerizing eyes... I am as always, madly in love with you... with intensity that perhaps scares me to confess to my own realization
I now fade as years pass us by... I fade with nothing but nothingness...
I fade... as would light at dusk to give way to a long winter night... hovering silence amidst stark angry skies...
I must find my shelter in my dreams...
I wish you the best in life...
Admiringly yours.... in oblivion.
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